Friday, April 9, 2010

Cry Baby




I can't stop crying today.

I stopped in at Weight Watchers this morning with my two-year-old in tow.  He was in his little car that I push and as soon as we got there he started to throw himself out of it and screamed for the granola bars that they sell there.  I stepped on the scale at the front desk, which means I can't actually see the results.  I have to rely on the woman behind the counter to tell me how I did.

"Were you expecting a gain?"  she said.

Meanwhile, my baby was starting to rip open packages.  And the fact that the Weight Watchers lady asked me that question completely irritated me.  Of COURSE I didn't EXPECT it, or I wouldn't have had a smile on my face when I walked in the door.  And I probably wouldn't have gone out of my way to come in with a two-year-old.

Enough lady! Couldn't she just cut to the chase? Did she have to tease me?

"How much?"  I said.

"3 Pounds."  She said.

Ouch.

"No, I wasn't EXPECTING that."  I answered and peeled the granola bars out of the baby's hand which made him scream even louder.  I could feel my body get tense and my eyes well up with tears and I shoved the baby back in his little car and strapped on the seatbelt, which of course, sent his scream up a few decibels.  I was now "that" mom.

"Is it that time of month maybe?" Oh God. Now she was really getting on my nerves.

"No." I said flippantly.  "Don't worry about it" and I tried to maneuver the stupid little car through people so I could get the hell out of there.

Once I reached my car I couldn't stop crying and neither could the baby.  We were competing for who could shed the most tears.  I called my husband, but he was not in a position to be consoling a psycho wife about her Weight Watchers results...he had important things to do.  So through my tears, I navigated my way to the gym.  My body fell weak and I felt hopeless.  I was completely unmotivated despite my horrible results.  But, I knew I had to move.  No matter what.  I had to get moving.  So I hit the bike for 30 minutes and read an article about Jillian Michaels and how she weighed 175 pounds when she was just 13.  It was sort of inspiring.  Then I hit the treadmill for 15 minutes.  It wasn't a lot but I couldn't go home and just sulk, or eat.

I felt so good about the workouts I put in over the last two weeks.  I ran several miles,  biked 5 miles,  took a few different yoga classes including Sculptworks, and took a Total Body Sculpt class.  My body is sore, so how can I be heavier?! Was I so distraught because my weigh-in's are the only objective results I have to the work I do each week?  Was I irritated because I didn't exercise enough self-control with the guacamole?  Or mad at myself because I filled our fridge with healthy food, cooked homemade Weight Watchers meals, but didn't take the time to count every single Point?  I do know that I am absolutely exhausted by this process and trying to manage a family at the same time.  And I'm thoroughly frustrated because in order to even MAINTAIN my weight, I have to be on a strict diet.

I'm on the verge on abandoning all of this.  I essentially gained back all of the weight I've lost since November.  And that just plain sucks.

Any motivation would be helpful! How do I get back to caring?  How do I get myself back on course?





18 comments:

PJ said...

Aww K, the crying baby, the frustration, we've all been there for different reasons. Take a step back and breath. No thinking of counting points, no emotional eating, no blaming things that cannot be changed. Ask yourself "why?" "Why am I doing this?" "Why go through this anxiety?" Then look at your kids and husband. Think about the big picture. What did your food in-take look like before you started this blog? Read through your old postings, you'll know what it's all for.
I'm sorry it was such a rough day. Tomorrow will be better. Sending virtual hugs your way!

KMac said...

Thanks PJ! I takes so long for me to escape this kind of "funk". I'm just going to have to make the next day count...it's all too much pressure sometimes but I can't stand looking/feeling like this either! What to do?!

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