Wednesday, January 13, 2010

After Effects


  


    Yesterday I couldn't stop crying, I was pale and felt like I was going to pass out.  My body shook and ached from head to toe, I had a headache stemming from the back of my head, and all over fatigue.  I wanted to stay in bed all day and I felt socially anxious and was nervous about venturing far from the house.   It felt like the depression I felt postpartum, combined with the sensitivity of PMS and the sadness that you get when you have a seriously broken heart.  After calling a few amazing people I love to share my feelings, I realized pretty quickly that I was suffering some type of post-traumatic stress from my son's seizure on Friday.  Even though it was a good five days later, my body still manifested all of those feelings and released them all at once.

      Sure, I do recognize the baby is fine, he's ALIVE.  He's on antibiotics and is happy.  I have a lot to be thankful for in life, I am extremely blessed and lucky.  I totally get that.  Then why the tears?  I felt really guilty about that.  I tried to analyze the situation - I faced head on the fact that my child's life could be taken away in an instant, I thought my baby boy was gone.  I have spent almost 5 years building up my confidence as a parent and I feel like that one instant took all of that confidence away.  The last couple days I felt like I was just handed three little kids, like I had to start all over re-learning how to be a good mom.  It was if I had been juggling three balls, I dropped one and they all came tumbling down.  I can't really figure out how to pick them back up.

     My babysitter came yesterday, as she does every Tuesday and I ventured out to do my errands but I couldn't stop the crying.  My husband offered to meet me for lunch and I called a few good friends who recommended psychologists to talk things out.  I went to my regular acupuncture appointment and the doctor could see my pain as soon as he entered the room.  He was happy to help, and gave me a treatment that helped me immensely.  It calmed me down and relaxed me so I could think more clearly.  My sweet friend met me to get a massage and sit in the steam room for a bit and just plain relax.  My husband put the kids to bed and my friend and I were able to have a conversation without children screaming at us, we got dinner and a couple glasses of wine.  It was good to move away from the kids for a bit.  I could collect myself, clear my mind and get my sanity back.  I was able to sleep well and much of my pain had escaped.  I still recognize that talking to someone is a very good idea, not all the symptoms are gone, but I can at least move through my day today.

    It's amazing how connected our body and minds are.  I think many of us tend to concentrate on the physical ailments and only then do we deal with what is really bothering us.  It was when the physical ailments hit me that I decided I needed to do something, otherwise I just tried to tell myself to "toughen up", "get over it", realize you are lucky", "don't be so selfish".  I can't imagine how a returning soldier, or someone who has been something much worse copes without plenty of counseling and drugs.  There should not be any shame or stigma in admitting that you need help when you are in pain, physical or emotional.

     Now that I feel a little better, I will build my confidence back up and take things slow.  This might mean retreating from social events for a bit and doing only what I can handle right now.   It helps to call on good friends and family, try to relax and enlist the help of a professional.  Gathering myself, feeling better and getting my physical and emotional strength back is most important because it will allow me the confidence and ability to be a better mother.

     Have you or anyone you know dealt with something like this?


As promised here's what I ate yesterday:
(I didn't count points or worry about this too much)

Breakfast: 1/2 cup of coffee
Lunch: sushi, 3 gyoza, 2 oz. sake
Tea
Dinner:  Chips and salsa, Pan seared Pepita Halibut, smashed artichoke hearts, sauteed spinach, 2 glasses of wine,

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