Waiting Tables-confessions of a bitter waitress

SIT DOWN, EAT SLOWLY, CHEW YOUR FOOD 20 TIMES AND ENJOY IT.


     This was the advice from my trusty nutritionist and I've heard it several times before.  Supposedly, it will help you to avoid overeating and will help you to digest your food.  With three little children under foot that is NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.  Mealtime is the craziest part of my day and to say crazy is an understatement.  That time of the day is what I refer to as the POWER HOUR at my house.

     It's like I'm waiting tables at a popular restaurant (and I'm the chef, busboy and owner).  I've got three of the most demanding (but adorable) customers.  They don't understand that they must wait until the waitress has helped the person before them before they start barking out orders like "more" and if I'm lucky it's "more please".  The first customer finishes his milk before the last has even received hers.  And one of the customers can't talk at all and just groans and moans and yells and screams.  Pretty soon a food fight has broken out because he can't communicate what he needs.  That same customer poops in his pants so the waitress must take care of that situation before the other two need something.  While the waitress changes her cute little patron, the other two get in a fight about the words to "Jingle Bells" and are shouting at each other.  The second customer spills milk down her shirt and yells for the waitress to help.  The first customers now has to go potty and needs the waitress to help wipe and wash hands.  All of the customers simultaneously decide they don't like the Prix Fixe menu so they tell the waitress how they really feel.  Food that has been selected with the utmost care and healthfully cooked by the waitress/chef is abandoned.  The waitress sometimes shoves the food in her own mouth when she disposes of their plates because she is resentful.  The same customers dare to ask her what is for dessert.  When she tells them there isn't any, they scream and cry and yell.  The waitress craves a glass of wine and a bowl of ice cream.

     Now, try to imagine eating during that.  I'm lucky if I get two bites of food in my mouth and it's less than enjoyable.  When (or if) the dishes get done I'm exhausted but still really hungry, almost ravenous and looking for something appetizing to make memories of my last shift go away.  I would LOVE to sit and eat quietly and slowly making sure to chew my food at least 20 times.

I'll have to reserve that for my much deserved night off!